Inside The Athletes Studio: Albert Pujols

Inside the Actors Studio. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite shows, because I don't see it as "a show." It's more like an event. I could watch those interviews all day. James Lipton really does a great job with his guests. He gets a lot of crap because he talks with this slow, uppity accent, but I enjoy the hell out of him. His interview style is excellcellent. He gives credit where credit is due, but also gets in some zingers. Lipton once asked Dave Chappelle why black people talk differently than white people. I think he phrased it "In my estimation, it is inherently possible that the men of your race could indubitably speak much like a white person." (Read that in a slow, slightly English accent). I think the reason Lipton is so good at interviewing actors is because he, himself, has failed at the craft. Taking a look at the guy, it's easy to draw the conclusion that he was probably never a good athlete either. Might he then also be good at interviewing professional sports stars? An athlete interview has to be one of the more frustrating things. All these guys have that "say a lot, but nothing at all" mechanism down. Maybe Lipton can get some compelling answers out of 'em. So, people of One Droo Hill, tonight we have a special treat. James Lipton is in studio to interview an athlete. Lipton typically asks the same 7 questions at the end of every interview in a quick-fire format. I asked him to just stick to those, as they're always the most entertaining and. Alright, go ahead and take over J-Lip.

Lipton: Yes, thank you Droo and thank you all for coming. The man who will grace our stage tonight is not just any athlete. This fine, intelligent, brillliant young man has won seemingly every offensive award in baseball and is now in his eighth season with the Saint Louis Cardinals. He was deservedly adorned with his first Gold Glove last year. My extensive research has revealed that the man coming to the stage is currently hitting for an astounding .360 batting average and has a miraculous on-base plus slugging percentage of 1100. He's the only player in the history of baseball to start a career with 7 consecutive seasons of hitting over 30 home runs and 100 RBI. He's a wondrous human being. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight is Albert Pujols.

(audience applause)

Lipton: I'll get right to it, Albert.

Pujols: Yeh know you jes gotta do whesh you gotta do, mane.

Lipton: Yes, right away then. What is your favourite worrd?

Pujols: Mane, Heheheh, I prolly gotta go wit donghur. Heheheh. I like a hit em, I like a watch em. I like a say det word, mane.

Lipton: Wonderful word, is it not? Now Albert, what is your leeast favorite worrd?

Pujols: Hehhehheh, I donno mane. You tryina get me in trebble here, Jems. Hehhehheh. Bedd, I'm a haffa go wit inteshunal walk. Menns I cand hit a da donghur.

Lipton: What turrns you onn?

Pujols: Mane I betta be cerrful her, Jems. Hehehe. Err ma wife Dee gonna be lekkin for you. You betta washout, Jems. Hehhehheh.

Lipton: Well, what turrns you off?

Pujols: Whena Brannon Backe be yellin at me. Det guy, mane. He's a lettle cressy.

Lipton: What sounnd or noise do you lovve?

Pujols: Eh, mane. Chu know err'y majer leager luh da sounda da ball off a da bat. I likea whenn a Scottyroll use'a hit em, mane. He make et a sound rel gud, hehhheh.

Lipton: What sounnd or noise do you haate?

Pujols: I hatea makin da error. Dat a make a me prehtty mad. Becces I jes gonna say chu gotta do whet you cen for yerr team and des all yuh can do.

Lipton: Hmm. Brillliant. Now finallly, Albert, what is your favourite curse worrd?

Pujols: Hehhehhehh, ah Jems. Chu relly gonna get Tony medd ah me. Hehhehhh. I jes wanna do whet I cen so dat a da Cardnels make et back a da Werd Serres.

Lipton: Wonnderful. We've thoroughly enjoyed havinng you with us tonnight, Albert. Brilliant.

(audience applause)


Wow. Thanks for that James, I guess. We uh, really learned a lot. About next week? Ah, we'll call you.