I think power rankings are stupid, but it's a decent enough way to take an in-depth look at the top teams in baseball. (I shouldn't throw around "in-depth" like that. Surely what you'll find below is not "in-depth.") What has these clubs playing like gangbusters? You're boutta find out.
1. Arizona Diamondbacks
1. Arizona Diamondbacks
ESPN would have you believe the Boston Red Sox are the best team in baseball. They'd be wrong, because the Diamondbacks are. Not only do they have the coolest jerseys, those black ones modeled by Justin Upton and Chris Snyder above, they have the best all-around ball club. Their pitching has been great and it's not a fluke. Dan Haren has a 1.80 ERA and a sub-1.00 WHIP and does it looking like a total stoner. Micah Owings has come into his own. Randy Johnson still has that slider and there's no need to mention how great Brandon Webb is... but I will. He leads the league with four wins and is sportin' a 1.86 ERA and 0.79 WHIP. I once had a short conversation with Webb while picking up an autograph. Yes, I have talked directly with a Cy Young Award winner. That's credibility right there, son. Here's how it went:
That's it. That was the conversation. And to tell you the truth, because I've already let you down and I want to keep the disappointment rolling, it wasn't even me that had this convo. It was my cousin. I was standing right next to him though. There goes the cred, I guess. Crap. I should've stuck with the lie, but it's too late now. My backspace button is broken. (Another lie).
2. Boston Red Sox
They've won nine of their last 10. Manny is hot, the pitching has arrived (see: Josh Beckett, and Clay Bucholz, who picked up his first win last night), and Big Papi has put that slump behind him. It would be no surprise if they're back in the World Series this year. Damn. You know, ESPN is a lot less bearable when the Red Sox are doing well. The Sox are like Daughtry. For some reason he's popular and gets constant play from the mainstream media. You can imagine there are people out there who actually like Daughtry (probably Kevin Youkilis. Tool.), but you don't want to hang out with them. In fact, you want them to just shutup. Daughtry sucks. The Red Sox are annoying. But, mostly, Daughtry sucks:
What a lame ass.
3. Chicago White Sox
I don't know what Nick Swisher and Orlando Cabrera have injected into this team, but it's definitely an "upper." Swisher and O-Cabs haven't been very good, but as the big offseason acquisitions, they probably deserve some amount of credit. The White Sox were awful last year. They went 72-90. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. (Uh oh, now I'm doing the ask yourself a question-answer it thingy. Fuck you Jim Rome.) Actually... nothing really happened at all. The White Sox were, and are, a good team. They just underperformed last year. Really, that's it. Thome and Konerko haven't hit all that well. Just imagine when those guys get going. Whoo.
4. Chicago Cubs
Kosuke Fukudome was a great signing. Who could have predicted we'd be saying that? Not I. I dogged that contract. 4 years, $48 million? For a 30-year-old Japanese position player? How many of those have panned out? Less than half. Didn't seem like a good move. Good thing I threw out my credibility earlier in this post. Rookie Geovanny Soto has been a pleasant surprise. He's been rakin' and slangin' his way to a .413 on-base percentage. Derrek Lee looks like the NL MVP to this point. Just wait 'til Alfonso Soriano, or as I like to call him "the fons," is back in the lineup. There's going to be some run production on the North Side. Runn produccction.
Fukudome? Fukudoyou.
(Oh, and I don't really call Soriano "the fons" -- that's a horrible nickname. Happy Days sucked.)
5. St. Louis Cardinals
Check back in two weeks and if they're still in my top 5, I'll explain why. (Because I have no fucking clue how they're doing it.) I'll leave you with this, the Cardinals starting rotation:
Adam Wainwright
Braden Looper
Kyle Lohse
Joel Pineiro
Todd Wellemeyer
So yeah, check back in two weeks. Wellemeyer looks worried, doesn't he?
(Webb is walking down the third base line after warming up)
Me: Hey, Mr. Webb! Can I get an autograph?
Webb: Yeah sure.
Me: Helluva start, man. (He was 6-0 at the time. This was at a D-Backs vs. Cardinals game at Busch Stadium in 2006.)
Webb: (Looks at me like "how the fuck does this kid know who I am and why would he care that I'm having a good year?") Wow man, thanks. I'll try to keep it up.
That's it. That was the conversation. And to tell you the truth, because I've already let you down and I want to keep the disappointment rolling, it wasn't even me that had this convo. It was my cousin. I was standing right next to him though. There goes the cred, I guess. Crap. I should've stuck with the lie, but it's too late now. My backspace button is broken. (Another lie).
2. Boston Red Sox
They've won nine of their last 10. Manny is hot, the pitching has arrived (see: Josh Beckett, and Clay Bucholz, who picked up his first win last night), and Big Papi has put that slump behind him. It would be no surprise if they're back in the World Series this year. Damn. You know, ESPN is a lot less bearable when the Red Sox are doing well. The Sox are like Daughtry. For some reason he's popular and gets constant play from the mainstream media. You can imagine there are people out there who actually like Daughtry (probably Kevin Youkilis. Tool.), but you don't want to hang out with them. In fact, you want them to just shutup. Daughtry sucks. The Red Sox are annoying. But, mostly, Daughtry sucks:
What a lame ass.
3. Chicago White Sox
I don't know what Nick Swisher and Orlando Cabrera have injected into this team, but it's definitely an "upper." Swisher and O-Cabs haven't been very good, but as the big offseason acquisitions, they probably deserve some amount of credit. The White Sox were awful last year. They went 72-90. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. (Uh oh, now I'm doing the ask yourself a question-answer it thingy. Fuck you Jim Rome.) Actually... nothing really happened at all. The White Sox were, and are, a good team. They just underperformed last year. Really, that's it. Thome and Konerko haven't hit all that well. Just imagine when those guys get going. Whoo.
4. Chicago Cubs
Kosuke Fukudome was a great signing. Who could have predicted we'd be saying that? Not I. I dogged that contract. 4 years, $48 million? For a 30-year-old Japanese position player? How many of those have panned out? Less than half. Didn't seem like a good move. Good thing I threw out my credibility earlier in this post. Rookie Geovanny Soto has been a pleasant surprise. He's been rakin' and slangin' his way to a .413 on-base percentage. Derrek Lee looks like the NL MVP to this point. Just wait 'til Alfonso Soriano, or as I like to call him "the fons," is back in the lineup. There's going to be some run production on the North Side. Runn produccction.
Fukudome? Fukudoyou.
(Oh, and I don't really call Soriano "the fons" -- that's a horrible nickname. Happy Days sucked.)
5. St. Louis Cardinals
Check back in two weeks and if they're still in my top 5, I'll explain why. (Because I have no fucking clue how they're doing it.) I'll leave you with this, the Cardinals starting rotation:
Adam Wainwright
Braden Looper
Kyle Lohse
Joel Pineiro
Todd Wellemeyer
So yeah, check back in two weeks. Wellemeyer looks worried, doesn't he?
1 comments:
To think I was calling for Kosuke-suke to be the next Tsuyoshi Shinjo. That was bad.
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