Dusty Makes a Funny (I make whack headlines)

In Little League News, some team from Ohio named the Reds batted out of order in the ninth inning of a game Sunday afternoon. Little catcher David "Davey" Ross came to the plate to lead off the top of the ninth. Apparently, center-right fielder Corey Patterso.... wait, these are names of major leaguers. And the Reds? That's an MLB team in Cincinnati. No way. Noooo way. Haaaa. Haaaaahaha. Hahaha. The friggin' Cincinnati Reds batted out of order on Sunday! Oh. my. god. Seriously, guys? Way to go, Dusty Baker. Way. to. go. It cost the Reds an out. They were losing 8-3 at the time, so no biggie... but still. What's the deal? "The guys hit out of order, and it's my job to catch that," Baker said. "So I take full responsibility." No sh-t?

The Reds are 15-23, which is good enough for last place in the NL Central (BEHIND THE PIRATES). You probably could have assumed that though. I didn't need to tell you they suck -- they batted out of order.

Bada Bing. Bada Boom. Blammitty Blam.

1. Emmanuelle Chriqui. You might know her as "Sloan" from Entourage. I like that she's not very popular, though it's hard to understand (too fine to be unknown). It makes me think we have a special relationship. Like, if I was having a party she'd be one of the first girls I'd call. I'd be like "Hey I'm having some people over. You coming?" And she'd be like "Oh totally. I was already planning on it. I'm on my way." We'd laugh and tell funny stories and make fun of the strangers at the party. Then she'd totally stay late night because she "doesn't want to walk home." And she'd just happen to sleep with me, and I'd make some moves, and we'd take our friendship to a whole new level. Yep.

2. Mandy Moore. I re-watched a couple episodes of Entourage the other night, if you haven't guessed. Mandy Moore, who doesn't work as a "Mandy" or "Moore" but only "Mandy Moore," has a four episode-long relationship with Vince. She ends up breaking his heart. Her unconscionable cuteness has, I'm sure, broken a lot of hearts. I'm trying to think how to quantify her "career." Movie star? Not really. She's been in a couple indy flicks. Music? That's laughable. TV Star? She was in four episodes of Entourage, and an once got Punk'd. Not exactly a star. How does she make money these days? I wish I was a super hot girl. You should too. Then you wouldn't have to read this crap.

3. Chrissy Schwartz. You don't need a full body shot to know she's got it going owwyyn. MTV needs to do a third season of Newport Beach, or 'da Port, as I like to call it. If not, they should do a Hills-type spin off where they follow this girl's fake job and fake relationships. They could fly me out for a date. I'd read off the script... for the most part.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sid's Drinking that Fightin' Juice

Sidney Ponson was fined an undisclosed amount Friday for getting in the face of Mariners' starter Felix Hernandez during an on-field brawl Thursday night. Sid said he only challenged King Felix to take a swing at him, which is simply a solid fight-starting technique. To get fined for that? That's not really fair, and it's not going to learn ole boy Sid any lessons. "The next time I get off the bench I will whip somebody's ass." That's what he told reporters after learning of the punishment. I took PSY 101 my freshman year, and am pretty sure a punishment is supposed to be a negative reinforcer -- prevent the bad action (I'm sorry I suck). Sid's appealing the fine and wants a word with MLB disciplinarian Bob Watson to "find out what the hell he's thinking." Oh, and that picture -- it's great. No way that girl's over 19. I think she is wearing braces. Sid's really classin' it up for the teens with his cut-off black Nike tee. Sexy Sid. (Woah.)

The United Countries of Baseball (Revised and Updated)

Update (4:03pm, May 10)

I'm not sure if changing one's posts is allowed in the unwritten rules of blogz, but I gives a f-ck. I decided to make a few updates to the map from suggestions I got in the comment sections of Deadspin, With Leather, and this site right hurr. I didn't touch the Nationals or Mets region because it seems commenters disagree on those. But, I felt the White Sox needed to be pulled down. They were a bit too far north. Also, Yankees fans seem to think they have a solid footing in southern Connecticut, so I added that. I hope these changes were productive. Maybe we'll get this thing perfect after all (nah).

Here's the freshest one (click for larger view)

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The map above had the in'rnet in a bit of tizzy last year. If you didn't get a chance to see it, you're in for a treat (Click on it for a larger view). The first thing I thought when I saw it was "yesss, sweet." The second thing I thought was "no way the Rockies and Diamondbacks have such an expansive fan base." Then I started to notice more and more things I felt needed adjustments. Don't get me wrong, this map is the balls. I loves it. There are just a few minor details that I wanted to tinker with. So, today I decided to do just that. I put a ton of research (half true) and way too much time on Microsoft Paint (totally true) into the the map below (Click for larger view).

I would have liked to make a few more changes. For example, I know the Marlins don't dominate the state of Florida as shown. There are pockets of Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, etc. fans up and down that state. You know... all the teams that do their spring work down there develop a following in that particular town. But, I didn't want to stray from what Nike started. They originally named this map the "United Countries of Baseball" so little islands of red and orange among a sea of green in Florida would be... well, islands. Not countries.

Some of the changes I made:

-The original map had a San Francisco Giants following all the way up to the state of Washington. I know that's not correct. Those in Oregon that care about Major League Baseball don't root for the Giants. They're more likely to be Mariners fans. But, Giants fans are much more prevalent in the state of California and parts of Western Nevada than was shown on the original. Those were both easy and obvious changes.

-The original map also severely underestimated the Los Angeles Dodgers fan base. About the size of Tennessee? I think not. I realize that's a highly populated region, but the Dodgers have been a staple on the West Coast for about 60 years now. They have a good amount of fans in the most southern edges of California and even western Arizona.

-I would have liked to shrink the size of that Diamondbacks region. But, I'd be making it unincorporated territory, so I decided against it. I'll let them pretend to have that large of a following. About two thirds of that is desert anyway. The same goes for the Rockies. They're not that popular. There should be spatterings of Cardinal red and Cubbie orange (?) in that black region. If not, it should be unincorporated. But, again, I didn't see the point in doing that.

-The original map didn't take into account the Cardinals' following in Oklahoma. It's for real, so I added it. A lot of those Oklahomans grew up on KMOX, a station that once carried Cardinals games to much of the Midwest. The Cards are really considered the "team of the Midwest." I think the original map did a good job of showing that, but decided to give all of Oklahoma to the Rangers, which was wrong.

-The original map also surrounded Astros country with Rangers fans, which doesn't make a lot of sense. From what I've read and heard in the past, the Astros' following spreads down through southern Texas and into Mexico. That was changed.

-The Braves have a gigantic following in the southeast United States. The original did a fine job of showing that, but I expanded it even more. The original didn't account for Braves fans in the Florida panhandle, North Carolina, or western Virginia. All of which are legit.

-The original also had this weird narrow flow of Indians fans through West Virginia and Eastern Kentucky. I think most of Kentucky is Reds' country. I'm pretty positive that's right.

-The last change I made was shrinking the Mets' fan base. Their following is pretty much concentrated around northern New Jersey and the boroughs of New York City. I'm not sure why the original expanded their territory into Pennsylvania.


I'm sure this thing isn't perfect. It never will be, though I'd love to hear some feedback if there's something that is clearly wrong. In the meantime, I need a f-ing nap.

This is Where... Amazing Awaits?

I was checking in on our U-23 Olympic Men's Soccer team this morning (they're not too shabby) and came across this banner. That slogan is a wee bit familiar, nay? "Amazing Awaits." Sounds eerily similar to the NBA Playoff slogan "Where Amazing Happens." I'm no linguist (?), but I think they have just about the same meaning. And their use of the word "amazing" -- that's no coincidence. The U.S. Olympic Team is a buncha thieves. If we were talking about the possible theivery of an NFL playoff slogan, heads would roll. Heads would be rolling. Goodell and Co. would be all over that sh-t.

Oh, and the U.S. Olympic Team website is junk. Check it out. It's horrible. Not aesthetically pleasing and a tad bit difficult to navigate. I'd go as far as to say it's confusing. If they need a website guy, a creative little bugger, I mean... I'm at the ready. I'll serve my country, yessir. See that banner up there? Did that sh-t by. my. self. Get at me.

MLB Power Rankings: Top 5

1. Arizona Diamondbacks (22-12)
No change here. They've been baseball's best all season and will continue to dominate. I promise. For one, the pitching is stellar. Brandon Webb and Dan Haren have been the anchors. And Micah Owings has been solid on both sides of the plate (that's a football term, I know -- but it works here). 44-year-old Randy Johnson should pitch well enough to give the offense a chance. And Max "nothing rhymes with" Scherzer should settle in and be able to control that upper-90s fastball. The D-Backs' lineup is cool, and young, and awesome, and fun, and young, and cool. Chris Young is the next big thing in baseball. Guy's going to be an all-around stud for a longg time. Too bad that team doesn't have a fanbase. Move them to St. Louis. I'd go to some games. I'd buy one of those alternate black Justin Upton jerseys and wear that shit everywhere. Black doesn't show dirt.

2. Boston Red Sox (22-14)
The Angels are a very close second, but the Red Sox are the best team in the American League right now. Josh Beckett seems to be figuring things out. He's made two solid starts in a row, including a gem against the Rays two weeks ago. Daisuke Matsuzaka is 5-0 and is third only to Ervin Santana and Cliff Lee as the early-season Cy Young award winner (not a real award). They'd like to get more out of Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, and both have actually looked solid as of late. Offensively, David Ortiz has begun to rake and Manny is putting up numbers that would have you thinking he's in a contract year... oh, he is? ...hmm. Kevin Youkilis has been annoyingly good and having Mike Lowell back is a big clubhouse (and maybe power) boost. With the struggles of the Yankees' pitching staff, and the Rays about a year away from being serious contenders, the Saawx are going to run away with the AL East.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (22-14)
The second best team in the American League, they're the third best team in baseball. That rotation is going to carry them all year. Joe Saunders has been fantastic and the Ervin Santana Show has finally arrived. Jered Weaver will not suck all year, and Jon Garland shouldn't be this bad. With John Lackey coming of the DL next week, the Angels are legit. That offense has always been fun to watch and with the same or better pitching, they'll top the AL West all year.





4. St. Louis Cardinals (22-13)
As I write this, Kyle Lohse is getting shelled by the Rockies. The Cards are down 7-1 heading into the fifth. I give these birds one more week. At least, I'm not going to attempt to explain this team for another week. They've moved up a spot in these rankings, so I am sort of giving them props. I'll say this: If strength of schedule was as closely-followed in MLB as it is in college football and basketball, the Cardinals would be laughed at. They haven't been challenged yet. Last weekend's Cubs series doesn't count because it was played at Busch.

5. Philadelphia Phillies (20-15)
I'm sorry A's fans. A 22-14 record should get you into the top 5, but it doesn't here. Not at One Droo Hill, a place of logic and truth (I'm annoying). Before I tell you why the Phillies are pretty good, let me pose a question to the whole NL East: Does somebody want to step up? (That should have been a cooler, more forceful question -- but I'm me). The Braves and Mets are bathing in mediocrity while the Phillies, behind Pat Burrell and Chase Utley, are playing above-average baseball. That's right -- they're playing above-average baseball. At this point, it's enough to crack this Top 5. But, the Marlins still sit in first place. Kudos to Fredi Gonzalez, but come on. The NL East has to be considered the most underachieving division in baseball.

Larry Walker in the Cardinals Dugout

The St. Louis Cardinals are in the middle of a four game series in Colorado. The Birdnals won the first two games in exciting fashion. Albert Pujols scored the game-winning run from second base on a groundout in the top of the ninth Monday, then Rick Ankiel just put on a show last night. He homered and made two of the best throws I've ever seen. They probably rank up there with the best throws in the history of baseball, and are definitely two of the best throws in Cardinals' history. The story of Rick Ankiel continues to amaze me. Some added intrigue from this series: Larry Walker has been in the Cards' dugout for both games thus far. Yes, that Larry Walker. "Mr. Rockie." (or is it Mr. Rocky?). He played nearly 10 full seasons in Colorado. Walker hit the majority of his 383 career home runs there. He won two Silver Slugger awards, was named an All-Star four times, and won an MVP with the Rox. Larry Walker played only one full season in St. Louis. Yet, he shows up in the Cards' dugout for their series in Colorado, of all places. Rockies fans? Does that not upset you? It'd be like Jerry Rice roaming the Seahawks sideline at a 49ers home game. Just odd. If Larry Walker was named as a Cardinals... hitting... or assistant... or something coach, fine. If he had been in the Cardinals' dugout even once this season, cool. But he just decided to show up on Monday at Coors Field in a Cardinals uniform? My unbiased opinion? That's a questionable move, Larry.

In Defense of Bense (told you I was a rapper)

Cedric Benson was not in the wrong on that boat. I said it (and I'm not any cooler). I really think it was a case of those water cops being racist. And I know the word "racist" is thrown around a lot, but it's warranted here. Yeah, it's kind of a ballsy opinion, but check the facts. 1. His mom was on the boat. Nobody goes too wild in front of their momz. He might have had a few drinks, but he definitely wasn't pounding shots. 2. It was the sixth time he had taken his boat out on the lake, and the sixth time he had been pulled over for a "random safety check." Those Texas water-policemen (they probably have some different, more official title) see a party of black people on a big, expensive boat and decide to invade some privacy. If you were Cedric Benson, wouldn't you be upset too? He might have verbally resisted arrest or questioned the cops' motives. He was understandably pissed off. But, as much as Bears fans might dislike Benson (Coolio haircut and all) the guy was not in the wrong. In my opinion, the cops were. You can't judge him by his mugshot either. He was pepper-sprayed in the eyes less than an hour before it was taken. It's a shame that some reporters are rolling with the idea that because he looks drunk and disheveld in his mugshot, he is no doubt hammered. I'll post it below for reference, but ask yourself if a mugshot has ever made you think "Oh, that person must be innocent."

It's the Return of the Mack

Yeah, I lied. Regular posts did not return Sunday. Regular posts didn't even return Monday. But they are returning right now. I'm officially back. And ready yourselves, because One Droo Hill is going to be on fire. I'm finna be killin' it. So settle your asses. Raise yo glasses. And prepare for some of the most compelling sh-t ever.

Update: Where the Hell Are My Posts?

One Droo Hill is on a short vacation. Where am I, you ask? What am I doing, you inquire? I'll let friend of the site John Mayer describe the past few nights:



Regular posts will be back Sunday. As Mitch Hedberg would say, sorry for the convenience. (And sorry if you hate John Mayer. I know that's a common feeling.)