Dusty Makes a Funny (I make whack headlines)

In Little League News, some team from Ohio named the Reds batted out of order in the ninth inning of a game Sunday afternoon. Little catcher David "Davey" Ross came to the plate to lead off the top of the ninth. Apparently, center-right fielder Corey Patterso.... wait, these are names of major leaguers. And the Reds? That's an MLB team in Cincinnati. No way. Noooo way. Haaaa. Haaaaahaha. Hahaha. The friggin' Cincinnati Reds batted out of order on Sunday! Oh. my. god. Seriously, guys? Way to go, Dusty Baker. Way. to. go. It cost the Reds an out. They were losing 8-3 at the time, so no biggie... but still. What's the deal? "The guys hit out of order, and it's my job to catch that," Baker said. "So I take full responsibility." No sh-t?

The Reds are 15-23, which is good enough for last place in the NL Central (BEHIND THE PIRATES). You probably could have assumed that though. I didn't need to tell you they suck -- they batted out of order.

Sid's Drinking that Fightin' Juice

Sidney Ponson was fined an undisclosed amount Friday for getting in the face of Mariners' starter Felix Hernandez during an on-field brawl Thursday night. Sid said he only challenged King Felix to take a swing at him, which is simply a solid fight-starting technique. To get fined for that? That's not really fair, and it's not going to learn ole boy Sid any lessons. "The next time I get off the bench I will whip somebody's ass." That's what he told reporters after learning of the punishment. I took PSY 101 my freshman year, and am pretty sure a punishment is supposed to be a negative reinforcer -- prevent the bad action (I'm sorry I suck). Sid's appealing the fine and wants a word with MLB disciplinarian Bob Watson to "find out what the hell he's thinking." Oh, and that picture -- it's great. No way that girl's over 19. I think she is wearing braces. Sid's really classin' it up for the teens with his cut-off black Nike tee. Sexy Sid. (Woah.)

The United Countries of Baseball (Revised and Updated)

Update (4:03pm, May 10)

I'm not sure if changing one's posts is allowed in the unwritten rules of blogz, but I gives a f-ck. I decided to make a few updates to the map from suggestions I got in the comment sections of Deadspin, With Leather, and this site right hurr. I didn't touch the Nationals or Mets region because it seems commenters disagree on those. But, I felt the White Sox needed to be pulled down. They were a bit too far north. Also, Yankees fans seem to think they have a solid footing in southern Connecticut, so I added that. I hope these changes were productive. Maybe we'll get this thing perfect after all (nah).

Here's the freshest one (click for larger view)

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The map above had the in'rnet in a bit of tizzy last year. If you didn't get a chance to see it, you're in for a treat (Click on it for a larger view). The first thing I thought when I saw it was "yesss, sweet." The second thing I thought was "no way the Rockies and Diamondbacks have such an expansive fan base." Then I started to notice more and more things I felt needed adjustments. Don't get me wrong, this map is the balls. I loves it. There are just a few minor details that I wanted to tinker with. So, today I decided to do just that. I put a ton of research (half true) and way too much time on Microsoft Paint (totally true) into the the map below (Click for larger view).

I would have liked to make a few more changes. For example, I know the Marlins don't dominate the state of Florida as shown. There are pockets of Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, etc. fans up and down that state. You know... all the teams that do their spring work down there develop a following in that particular town. But, I didn't want to stray from what Nike started. They originally named this map the "United Countries of Baseball" so little islands of red and orange among a sea of green in Florida would be... well, islands. Not countries.

Some of the changes I made:

-The original map had a San Francisco Giants following all the way up to the state of Washington. I know that's not correct. Those in Oregon that care about Major League Baseball don't root for the Giants. They're more likely to be Mariners fans. But, Giants fans are much more prevalent in the state of California and parts of Western Nevada than was shown on the original. Those were both easy and obvious changes.

-The original map also severely underestimated the Los Angeles Dodgers fan base. About the size of Tennessee? I think not. I realize that's a highly populated region, but the Dodgers have been a staple on the West Coast for about 60 years now. They have a good amount of fans in the most southern edges of California and even western Arizona.

-I would have liked to shrink the size of that Diamondbacks region. But, I'd be making it unincorporated territory, so I decided against it. I'll let them pretend to have that large of a following. About two thirds of that is desert anyway. The same goes for the Rockies. They're not that popular. There should be spatterings of Cardinal red and Cubbie orange (?) in that black region. If not, it should be unincorporated. But, again, I didn't see the point in doing that.

-The original map didn't take into account the Cardinals' following in Oklahoma. It's for real, so I added it. A lot of those Oklahomans grew up on KMOX, a station that once carried Cardinals games to much of the Midwest. The Cards are really considered the "team of the Midwest." I think the original map did a good job of showing that, but decided to give all of Oklahoma to the Rangers, which was wrong.

-The original map also surrounded Astros country with Rangers fans, which doesn't make a lot of sense. From what I've read and heard in the past, the Astros' following spreads down through southern Texas and into Mexico. That was changed.

-The Braves have a gigantic following in the southeast United States. The original did a fine job of showing that, but I expanded it even more. The original didn't account for Braves fans in the Florida panhandle, North Carolina, or western Virginia. All of which are legit.

-The original also had this weird narrow flow of Indians fans through West Virginia and Eastern Kentucky. I think most of Kentucky is Reds' country. I'm pretty positive that's right.

-The last change I made was shrinking the Mets' fan base. Their following is pretty much concentrated around northern New Jersey and the boroughs of New York City. I'm not sure why the original expanded their territory into Pennsylvania.


I'm sure this thing isn't perfect. It never will be, though I'd love to hear some feedback if there's something that is clearly wrong. In the meantime, I need a f-ing nap.

MLB Power Rankings: Top 5

1. Arizona Diamondbacks (22-12)
No change here. They've been baseball's best all season and will continue to dominate. I promise. For one, the pitching is stellar. Brandon Webb and Dan Haren have been the anchors. And Micah Owings has been solid on both sides of the plate (that's a football term, I know -- but it works here). 44-year-old Randy Johnson should pitch well enough to give the offense a chance. And Max "nothing rhymes with" Scherzer should settle in and be able to control that upper-90s fastball. The D-Backs' lineup is cool, and young, and awesome, and fun, and young, and cool. Chris Young is the next big thing in baseball. Guy's going to be an all-around stud for a longg time. Too bad that team doesn't have a fanbase. Move them to St. Louis. I'd go to some games. I'd buy one of those alternate black Justin Upton jerseys and wear that shit everywhere. Black doesn't show dirt.

2. Boston Red Sox (22-14)
The Angels are a very close second, but the Red Sox are the best team in the American League right now. Josh Beckett seems to be figuring things out. He's made two solid starts in a row, including a gem against the Rays two weeks ago. Daisuke Matsuzaka is 5-0 and is third only to Ervin Santana and Cliff Lee as the early-season Cy Young award winner (not a real award). They'd like to get more out of Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, and both have actually looked solid as of late. Offensively, David Ortiz has begun to rake and Manny is putting up numbers that would have you thinking he's in a contract year... oh, he is? ...hmm. Kevin Youkilis has been annoyingly good and having Mike Lowell back is a big clubhouse (and maybe power) boost. With the struggles of the Yankees' pitching staff, and the Rays about a year away from being serious contenders, the Saawx are going to run away with the AL East.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (22-14)
The second best team in the American League, they're the third best team in baseball. That rotation is going to carry them all year. Joe Saunders has been fantastic and the Ervin Santana Show has finally arrived. Jered Weaver will not suck all year, and Jon Garland shouldn't be this bad. With John Lackey coming of the DL next week, the Angels are legit. That offense has always been fun to watch and with the same or better pitching, they'll top the AL West all year.





4. St. Louis Cardinals (22-13)
As I write this, Kyle Lohse is getting shelled by the Rockies. The Cards are down 7-1 heading into the fifth. I give these birds one more week. At least, I'm not going to attempt to explain this team for another week. They've moved up a spot in these rankings, so I am sort of giving them props. I'll say this: If strength of schedule was as closely-followed in MLB as it is in college football and basketball, the Cardinals would be laughed at. They haven't been challenged yet. Last weekend's Cubs series doesn't count because it was played at Busch.

5. Philadelphia Phillies (20-15)
I'm sorry A's fans. A 22-14 record should get you into the top 5, but it doesn't here. Not at One Droo Hill, a place of logic and truth (I'm annoying). Before I tell you why the Phillies are pretty good, let me pose a question to the whole NL East: Does somebody want to step up? (That should have been a cooler, more forceful question -- but I'm me). The Braves and Mets are bathing in mediocrity while the Phillies, behind Pat Burrell and Chase Utley, are playing above-average baseball. That's right -- they're playing above-average baseball. At this point, it's enough to crack this Top 5. But, the Marlins still sit in first place. Kudos to Fredi Gonzalez, but come on. The NL East has to be considered the most underachieving division in baseball.

Sports Vid: Is that even a legal catch?

You may or may not be happy to know there's no musical guest tonight. I'm not sure how those videos are received. I do, however, have an excellent sports-related video, and I apologize to those of you who come here looking for a sports blog, only to find a Live Blog of The Hills. It's why I restrained myself from mentioning that today marks the release of GTA IV. I could go on for hours about that gam... I'll stop. From the 11pm Sportscenter, which is one of the only things on ESPN that is still bearable and mostly untouched:



"They're hammered. They're just clearly hammered." I've never met a man who dislikes Scott Van Pelt.

No, the Cubs Will Not Stop Jinxing Themselves

"Big ups" to The Big Lead for this one. What did I say five days ago? The Cubs just love to jinx themselves. Maybe this time it was Sports Illustrated who jinxed them, but I blame the Cubs for starting all this "It's gonna happen" trash. Morons. Don't they want to win? Maybe the lovable loser shtick is more marketable.

I highlighted a few things going right for the Cubs in my Power Rankings about a week ago. All of the points I made seem to still be relevant, but let me add that they're f-ed now. Totally f-ed.

Zito is Like a Mosquito -- He sucks

Barry Zito became the first major league pitcher to go 0-6 in the month of April when he got shelled by the Reds Sunday. That's as bad as it gets for a guy who is signed to a seven-year, $126 million contract. He has a 7.53 ERA, a 1.95 WHIP, and has only struck out 11 in 28.2 innings. At this point, most teams would have to make some sort of move. Actually, after he moved to 0-5 a week ago, most teams would've made a move. But here's what pitching coach Dave Righetti had to say the other day when asked if Zito will be removed from the rotation: "No, because who the hell is going to pitch?" Thus is the state of the San Francisco Giants -- the WORST team in baseball. Yeah, they don't have the worst record in MLB, but I stand by that comment. They easily have the worst lineup. Bengie Molina is their cleanup hitter, man. True, he has been a pleasant surprise in that role, but there's no way that guy is putting up a .310/30/120 season. There's no way he puts up a .290/20/85 season. The Giants are terrible. Their only bright spots are in the rotation (Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez) and will be brought down, if they haven't already, by poor run support. Zito's contract will hold back the future of the organization as well. It's hard to sign good, young players when you're paying some bum with a pretty curveball $126 million. It's too bad, because I hear that stadium is a dandy! (San Francisco lingo).

Delgado Hates Being Liked

Carlos Delgado exploded out of a slump for two bombs last night. After the second, the fans at Shea Stadium were cheering for a curtain call. Delgado, however, decided not to pop out of the dugout for a salute. He said it didn't feel like the right spot. Are players allowed to determine that? I was always under the impression that it's an honor, as a player, to be cheered on by fans. That if they call you out for a wave, you go out and wave. Delgado was clearly trying to prove a point. Mets fans had been booing his sub-.200 average and single digit RBI total the past week or two. But how can he blame Mets fans for being upset with his performance? He knows how bad he's been. Delgado should be excited, along with the fans, that his slump is over. What a jerk. Apparently, after the snub, David Wright exchanged words with Carlos in the dugout. Delgado claims they were "talking about pitch sequence" from the at-bat, but that's about as believable as saying Keeping up with the Kardashians isn't scripted. (That show is why terrorists hate us) Delgado said he only does curtain calls on special occasions. He went on to explain that the only times he has saluted the fans in such a way was after his 400th HR and when he hit four in one game a while back. I doubt this is true, and One Droo Hill no longer supports Carlos Delgado. He's a liar. And he didn't stand for "God Bless America." (I could care less about that, I just needed to end the post with some solid negativity).

The Pirates Are Unfocused, I Know This (rhyme?)

I just heard an alarming stat, and I don't use that word often. The Pirates have hit into a double play in each of their 22 games this year. Now, you can blame ownership and the General Manager for the past 15 years of sub-.500 baseball (they haven't had a winning record since 1993), but a double play in every game? That's a lack of focus and can be blamed solely on the players themselves. Possibly the manager has something to do with it, but these days with the ridiculous amount of money players make and the egos that are built because of that, I'm not sure how much a manager can control with regards to an individual player's will to play.

A double play in every game so far. That's horrible. This goes back to the point I made about Matt Morris, who also happens to be a bad Pittsburgh Pirate. It's a happiness thing. There's no way these Pirates players are having a good time playing baseball. That might sound a little too cute to be a legitimate reason they aren't playing good baseball, but it's likely true. They play in front of less than 15,000 people a night. 22 consecutive games hitting into a double play is not about having bad players, it's about having unhappy players, unfocused players.

Searching For Jeffrey Maier

Jeffrey f-ing Maier. That little bastard. He reached his glove over the blue Yankee Stadium right field wall on a breezy October night in 1996 and absolutely robbed outfielder Tony Tarasco, the Baltimore Orioles, and their fans, namely me. He robbed us, no doubt about it. It was obvious fan interference and is such a bigger deal than that Cubs, Steve Bartman overblown crap. That was a foul ball, this was a game-tying home run. This one should have been called. That's why I must digress. I don't blame Jeffrey Maier. If I was a 12 year old kid, I'd do the same thing. Scratch that. I would do that right now, hell, I would do that if I was 80. He became a hero in Yankee Stadium that night. He was awarded a god damn key to New York City by Rudy Giuliani. It was probably the highlight of his life. He might have even profited on the situation, I don't know. But it's definitely not the kid's fault. The umpiring crew should have identified that as fan interference and called Derek Jeter out.

Rich Garcia, the umpire responsible for making that call and thusly a fucktard, retired from umping in 1999 and currently resides in Clearwater, Florida. Clearwater just so happens to be the Scientology capital of the world. I'm not saying he's in a cult, but I wouldn't be surprised. He is, after all, a bit of a kook. Idiot. Moron.

I decided a couple days (minutes) ago to track down Jeffrey Maier. See what the guy is up to. What I found was unexpected, but not all that shocking. He is now 23 years old and living in Boston, Mass. He works for Brown Brothers Harriman & Co., one of the nation's most successful banking firms. But that's not the interesting part, in fact that's kind of boring. No, that's really boring. It's a bank.

The cool part about the way Maier's life has unfolded is his involvement in the game of baseball, the same game that brought him death threats and made his name a hated household buzzword for many O's fans. Maier played college baseball at Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut and was a first-team all-conference selection in his senior year. Scouts said it was "50-50" on whether he'd be drafted. He wasn't taken. Maier was given a few tryouts, including one for the Yankees. He wasn't signed, but still, that's amazing, right? I'm not finished. Maier immediately went into scouting after no teams showed interest. He worked as a scout for ESPN's Peter Gammons in the Cape Cod League during the summer of 2005. After that, he became a special consultant for the New Haven County Cutters of the independent Northeast League. Over the next couple years he had a few interviews for front-office jobs with MLB teams and in 2007 the Milwaukee Brewers hired him as a scout. He spent only one year with the team before deciding to head off and make some real money in banking. I'm thinking this banking crap is just a stopgap before he is hired as an assistant General Manager by some team. He's working on his money-sense with this banking hullabaloo so he'll be good and ready to write up contracts and orchestrate trades when the time comes. Jeffrey Maier is going to be in a front office in my lifetime. That's rough. I think I'm rooting for him. Once again, I don't blame the kid. Rich Garcia, on the other hand... I hope on Drink the Kool-Aid night over at the Scientology center, Garcia volunteers to go first. And it's videotaped. (Woah.)

You've Gotta Have a Bottom to Have a Top

"It is what it is." For some reason this phrase has been popping up all over recently. Maybe it has always been used so widely, but I've only recently noticed it. It's everywhere! And what the hell does it mean? Like, I know what it means literally and I know the reason people use it. But it's pointless. I'm not just saying that. It seriously doesn't make any point. Here are some places I've seen it recently:

The Cincinnati Enquirer
Assistant Sports Editor Tom Curtis
(Note: He's talking about how people mistreat each other on Reds message boards.)
"Sometimes it's hard to believe adults can act this way, but it is what it is."

Curtis isn't even trying to use the phrase to make a point here, he just ran out of things to say. Maybe he felt that saying "it's hard to believe adults can act this way" was too risque and might ruffle some feathers, so he went with "it is what it is" to cool down the sentence. It didn't cool me down though. I'm hot. Pissed. It doesn't mean anything!

Former Pacers guard Reggie Miller
(Note: He is reacting to the brawl a couple years ago in Detroit)
"Obviously, you never want to see something like that happen, but it is what it is."

Huh? So basically he's using the phrase to say, "it happened. And that's what happened, that it happened." Of course it happened! Everyone knows what happened. I mean, yeah. We know your teammate Stephen Jackson wasn't giving a dental screening to that fan he hit in the jaw. He was hitting him in the jaw! Hey Reggie, man, listen. Just leave it at "you never want to see something like that happen." That's fine. No need to tell us that what we saw is what we just saw. No need, bud. In case you're wondering though, your quote, even without the "it is what it is" bullshit is wrong. It is incorrect. Everyone wants to see NBA players fight heckling fans. I mean, shit, they're still running it monthly on highlight shows and I still get pumped when I see Ron Artest fly up ten rows of seats, already swinging. 'test asks no questions. 'test jus takes cor uh his bidness.

Brian McNamee in a taped phone conversation with Roger Clemens
(Everyone knows the story.)
Clemens: "Why would you do that to me? Come on, after all I've done for you? Tell them I did steroids? Come on, Mac."
McNamee: "It is what it is, Roger. Whaddya want me to do? Whaddya want me tooo do?"


I can actually understand his use of the phrase here. He didn't want to have this convo with Clemens. He had just outed the guy for being a cheater. But Roger shouldn't have taken that shit. Here's what Clemens' next line should have been: "Hey fuckstick. I know what it is. You don't have to tell me 'what it is.' You screwed me. My whole career is a joke now." The Congressmen, like me, had a tough time with the phrase when they read it aloud in court. Mark Souder, a senator from Indiana called it a "prototypical New York" phrase. Souder obviously doesn't watch many player or coach press conferences, because then he'd know it's definitely not just a NY thing. It's everywhere, and it needs to stop.

In my research for this disaster of a post, I realized this is actually a pretty common rant. I am 1. embarassed that I am probably coming off as unoriginal, 2. happy that other people have taken issue with the use of this meaningless phrase, and 3. that I have to use it a couple times in the next few days to see the reaction it gets. That's the only way to get a feel for the meaning and usage of the phrase. Say I go into Jimmy Johns tomorrow and order an Italian Night Club with extra peppers and a drink and the guy is like "is this for here or to go?" I'll give it to him. "It is what it is." There's no way he'll enjoy that. Check back for updates, or don't. It is what it is.

That will officially end the worst post in the short history of this site. I shouldn't have posted it, but you've gotta have a bottom to have a top. OK, yes. YES. I am officially starting "you've gotta have a bottom to have a top" as the next popular, overused meaningless phrase. You heard it hear first. Pittsburgh Pirates, San Francisco Giants, Miami Dolphins -- get at me.